The Gods of Football Have Spoken



  • For sometime now I’ve been concerned about players that don’t think putting their surname on their shirt is good enough for them. The fact is; the Brazilian team is full of them.

    Football, like any institution, has it’s tenets and this one is being blatantly ignored by the Brazilians. 10 goals conceded in two games in your own World Cup, you have incurred the wrath of the Gods.

    So why did the Gods punish them so severely?

    The protocol isn’t hard to understand. If your name is John Smith, you wear Smith on your shirt. If there is more than one Smith in your team, you use your initial i.e. J.Smith. It’s extremely rare for two out of 11 players to have the same name and initial unless you are in a region where inbreeding has produced a shortage of names. Enough about Wales. It’s so fucking easy to grasp that there are no excuses for not adhering to the protocol.

    So what possesses a player to think he has the right to ignore the will of the Gods? Arrogance, plain and simple. Guedes was Brazil’s worst player by far and you could see the arrogance dripping off him. In the first half of the opening game he manged to bless his home crowd with five touches of the ball. That’s right, five whole touches of the ball in 45 minutes. Amazing, well done son, top effort.

    Hang on, who the fuck is Guedes?

    Frederico Chaves Guedes is the arrogant little shit that shuns his parents name. You know him as Fred. Did I mention that two of the five touches of the ball were at kick offs? What a wanker.

    Same goes for Oscar, Jo, Neymar, Victor, William, Bernard, Fernandinho and anyone else who spits in the eye of the Gods of Football. Fernandinho what the fucks that about? Fernando Luiz Roza wants to be called Fernandinho. Whats wrong with Fernando, apart from everything. Oh no Fernando, the name his parents gave him just doesn’t have enough of the Samba beat for this mother fucker.

    Yeah; I know what you are thinking and you are right. I have saved the greatest offender til last.

    It’s going to be hard not to punch the living fuck out of this laptop whilst discussing Hulk. This is extreme disrespect for everything that is football. So the guy looks a bit like Lou Ferrigno in the shitty 70’s series The Hulk and apparently this is all it takes to convince the Devil that it’s acceptable for him to wear Hulk on his shirt. By the way, Sepp Blatter is the Devil, just in case you didn’t know.

    Imagine the conversation;

    Hulk: Hey Sepp I’m gonna be calling myself Hulk because I look a bit like Lou Ferrigno, are you cool with that?
    Devil: Call yourself Cunt for all I care, just leave the money at door and fuck off.

    Christ! If you apply Hulk’s logic then Da Silva, that’s William to you, should really be calling himself Shit Micheal Jackson.

    You might of noticed that I haven’t mentioned Hulk’s real name, I’m not going to. He doesn’t deserve to be known by his real name ever again. Forever remember him as the cartoon character that embarrassed his nation.

    So have I considered the possibility that Marvell Comics are paying him vast fortunes for promoting their product to the biggest audience in the entire history of the world? Sure I did, for all of five nanoseconds. No chance, the man’s a moron who probably has a team mate tie his boot laces. The problem is, if this ludicrous trend is allowed to go unchecked, whats to stop some bright spark from choosing to put Mitsubishi on his shirt in exchange for shed loads of cash? The Devil won’t stop him, he loves the gloriously obscene nature of this farce. To him, football is greed and he will do everything in his considerable power to make it so.

    Just realised; Mitsubishi is a bad example, there’s already half a planet full of people who have cars for surnames but that’s another story for another time. This is football. So scrap Mitsubishi let’s go with PlayStation 4 or GoCompare or Johnson & Johnson or any other example that you care to think of. And why stop there? what about a scannable barcode? Just wave your smart phone at the player for instant access to unbeatable offers.

    This madness must stop.

    The Gods of Football have spoken.

    Edit: removed a couple of expletives, no seriously I have.



  • I think the general method of appeasing wrathful gods is to gather the offenders and stone them to death. I support this since it means dead soccer players.



  • i apply my positive energy to the post above



  • if you think football = soccer



  • @Oy:

    …gather the offenders and stone them to death…

    Most popular breakfast conversation this morning in Brazil. Fact.



  • football is more interesting because it’s more strategic. once I started looking at it like chess, it became super

    as for soccer… I can double the experience by putting it on ice, but then it’s just called hockey and is way better



  • It doesn’t matter what its called Footy, socca, or airball kicking its a silly game. Lastly I don’t appreciated some image
    of a person shooting himself in the head to make any point its very crass and should be removed.



  • whats hockey ? lol, irrelevant sport same with handegg



  • Only reason I called it soccer is because I knew someone would cry about it. Bait and trap, I caught me a Eurocrush. But yeah, I don’t even like sports, and I’d still rather watch hockey. MMA is also fun to watch If you can get over the fact that it looks like soft-core gay porn and appreciate the actual technique and skill behind the wrestling and fighting.



  • @Oy:

    Only reason I called it soccer is because I knew someone would cry about it. Bait and trap, I caught me a Eurocrush. But yeah, I don’t even like sports, and I’d still rather watch hockey. MMA is also fun to watch If you can get over the fact that it looks like soft-core gay porn and appreciate the actual technique and skill behind the wrestling and fighting.



  • Shhh no worries, only dreams now
    @CRUSHED:

    I formally apologize for justling your rimmies.


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